Can You Say You’re Sorry?

Last Summer

“Martha, this is That Guy”. I’d like to talk to you. Please return my call.”

I played the voicemail for my beloved. “Wait. Wait. W—A—I—T… Is that who I think it is? Play it again.”

“Martha, this is That Guy…”

My beloved stared into me, waiting for the reaction that took two days to surface. Even then, my emotions were squished and flat as I processed this new experience.

I can’t imagine that many people who’ve been subjected to adult sexual whimsy as children have gotten an apology.

Thirty years later, I did.

Saving Ourselves

The Penn State news dredged up quite a litany of feelings for me, my family, my clients. Castration has been a hot topic.

My beloved reminded me yesterday of my in the moment almost non-response to that guy, “I’m fine…”

Some part of me wanted him to know I’d risen above his bullshit. Another part, my sweet little precious five year old self, was still acquiescing and too reserved to rage at him through the phone line. It’s all so confounding even at 42 – or 5, 27, 55, 83 – and nearly impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced such an astonishing power differential between adult and child. Just damn confusing.

We humans are resilient creatures, though. Brilliantly so.

We dance the dance to save ourselves in all kinds of ways. Drugs. Religion. Helping others. Being the perfect something. Being a doormat. Spending money.  Eating. Hiding. Standing out. Hiding and standing out at the same time. We  do-si-do in circles until we can make sense of the thing we need to dig into, feel, and release the most.

I did my work on this piece of my life years ago. The chapter was closed. A decade flew by and out of the blue, that guy called.

“I’m sorry.” “I can’t imagine what this did to your life.”

I don’t know what his intentions were; if he was making AA amends or trying clear his conscience. I neither asked for it his apology, nor did I expect one. It came anyway.

How did I feel?  Motionless, in motion, sad, pissed, anxious, sleepy, sleepless, forgetful, funky and, get this: free. Why? Because the one other person on the planet who could speak to the veracity of my experiences, did.

A Dare

So here’s a question. Have you apologized to the people in your life for whom you have caused pain? If you haven’t, I invite you to consider doing just that.

If you’ve wronged another somehow either intentionally or unintentionally – abused your power, lied to save your own ass, threw someone under the bus – I dare you to do something extraordinary.

Own your mistake without excuses and apologize.

Don’t expect the person to love you, forgive you, or trust you again. Don’t expect anything. Understand instead, this is about doing the right thing when you’ve done wrong. I don’t know if you’ll feel better or not but I know the person you hurt will have an opportunity to free themselves in a way that didn’t exist before.

But wait, some of you will say… If these kinds of apologies are thrown out all willy nilly, old wounds get opened. Isn’t it better to leave well enough alone?

Complicated. It’s true. Not everyone has the capacity to apologize. Not everyone has the capacity to forgive. But some do. And I know this for sure: when light shines upon dark places, when secrets aren’t secret anymore, healing happens.

For You

If you have suffered at the hands of another in the past or now, I’m so sorry. I send you love. With all of me, I send you love.

If the news of late has caused your stomach to turn, eyes to water, temper to flare, if feelings of melancholy have taken root in your veins, I invite you to rest – rest in the knowledge that the very essence of you is Divine and Loved and Pure. No one, not one single person can take that away.

Lean into the feelings and treat yourself with kindness and care.

And one more thing, dear one.

You’re ok. And you always have been.